REVIEW: Kellogg’s Ice Cream Shoppe Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts

/ / Reviews / 11 Comments

Kellogg's Ice Cream Shoppe Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts

Many of you reading this may wonder why a 30-year-old man is reviewing Kellogg’s Ice Cream Shoppe Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts [22], a sugary abomination clearly designed solely to be eaten by children for, you know, “breakfast.”  (We know better, don’t we, kids?)  It’s pretty simple — reviewing a fine product like Kellogg’s Ice Cream Shoppe Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts [61] is the easiest way for me to meet my word quota without having to say anything of substance.  If you look carefully, you’ll realize this entire review is only five sentences long.  Can I get an “Amen!” for cheating the system?  A few more of these and I’ll finally be able to afford those pec implants.  I mean, penis smallification surgery!  Obviously.

But since we’re here, we might as well take a closer look at this affront to parents and dentists alike, by which of course I’m referring to Kellogg’s Ice Cream Shoppe Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts [161].  As a teenager I used to scarf down the S’mores variety with the same frequency that most of my peers were watching scrambled porn (€œI think that was a boob!  Sweet!€), but I haven’t had one of any kind in probably a decade.  Back then I never bothered reading nutritional information because I was swimming a billion hours a week (estimated) so it really didn’t matter, but apparently Pop-Tarts is not health food.  Crazy!

But what they lack in nutritional value, Kellogg’s Ice Cream Shoppe Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts [252] more than make up for in visual insanity.  The package alone has caused more seizures than a viewing of Tron on acid — you have the respective Kellogg’s and Pop-Tarts logos superimposed on an old-timey “ice cream shoppe” (the extra “pe” stands for quaintness) awning, with a helpful “New Flavor!” tag in one corner, and that’s just the top half.  The bottom shows a picture of the Pop-Tart itself with a real ice cream sandwich flying around it, leaving a rainbow comet trail in its wake that also proclaims it a good source of calcium.  Holy balls, I want to eat one of these and go fight a leprechaun.  You’re my bitch now, Lucky.  Removing one from the foil wrapper is only a slight letdown, as it does indeed boast an abundance of multicolored sprinkles, plus a chocolate swirl.  I can honestly say it’s the least boring Pop-Tart I’ve ever seen, which is not saying much, but there it is.

Kellogg's Ice Cream Shoppe Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts Innards

Obviously Kellogg’s can’t put actual ice cream inside their Pop-Tarts, yet have set themselves the task of making the brand taste as much like ice cream as possible, so I was curious about how they’d accomplish this.  The answer, it turns out, is “just cram a whole mess of frosting up in there.”  It really tastes more like marshmallow or cake frosting than ice cream, which is not such a bad thing.  The rainbow sprinkles further put me in the mindset of cake, to the point where “Ye Olde Birth-day Cake” would probably be a more accurate brand name than “Ice Cream Shoppe.”  The chocolate drizzle on the top does indeed look a bit like hot fudge, but unless you’ve got hypersensitive taste buds, you’re not going to be able to detect the chocolate — the frosting taste dominates over all, with perhaps a bit of sprinkle evident if my eyes aren’t just liking the pretty colors and arbitrarily assigning a taste to them.  And let’s be honest, any ice cream cookie sandwich you’ve ever eaten had either chocolate chips or M&Ms in the cookies, not just the rainbow sprinkles offered to us by Kellogg’s Ice Cream Shoppe Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts [616].

I wasn’t really disappointed by the Pop-Tarts because they still taste good, even if they don’t perfectly capture the flavor they’re trying to approximate.  They reminded me more than a little of the S’mores Pop-Tarts of my youth, just with less chocolate and a more overtly sugary flavor to the filling.  True, they taste more like a birthday cake than an ice cream sandwich, but since either is a perfectly acceptable treat when you’re a kid, I’d say they meet the needs of their target audience, as well as those of us just looking to recapture a bit of our youth.

Thanks Kellogg’s Ice Cream Shoppe Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts.  [727! Word quota accomplished!]

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 200 calories, 6 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 15 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, and a myriad vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s Ice Cream Shoppe Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts
Price: $2.35
Size: 1 box of 8
Purchased at: Acme
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes good. Hearkening back to really unhealthy youth.  Saying the full name makes you feel like you’ve accomplished something.  Scrambled porn.  Talking smack to leprechauns.  Staring at box cheaper than buying drugs.  Can’t go wrong with cake.  Meeting word quota.
Cons: Wang surgery not cheap.  Scrambled porn actually 1979 4-H livestock semifinals.  Requires “toasting” device to unlock full potential.  Doesn’t taste like ice cream.  Hollow feeling at working the system.

REVIEW: Doritos Pizza Supreme

/ / Reviews / 13 Comments

Doritos Pizza Supreme

Do you want a friend to punch you in the face?

The first thing you’re going to have to do is plan a day long hiking trip and invite your friend to come along. It should be a long and physically punishing hike. It should also be far away from civilization and involve either a raging river, steep cliffs or wildlife that could kill you. Tell your friend that you’ll be driving and responsible for packing and carrying the food and water on the hike. Pack a few bottles of water and finger food snacks, like granola, fruits, carrot sticks, raw meat and other foods you normally wouldn’t eat.

When you’re on the hike, stop for occasional water breaks. If your friend wants to eat, tell him or her that they should wait until they get to a good place to rest and that there’s one up ahead. After 15 minutes have gone by and your friend asks, “Are we there yet?”, say that it’s just around the corner. At this point, keep an eye out for a raging river, steep cliffs, or a bear. After 30 minutes have passed and your friend asks, “Are we fucking there yet?”, tell your friend not yet. Continue to look out for a raging river, steep cliff, or a creature that could maul you. When you do end up next to a river, next to a cliff or in the view of a wild animal, tell your friend that the two of you should stop to take a break.

This next part is essential if you want your friend to punch you in the face, and what you do depends on whether you’re next to a river, steep cliff or wild beast who could eat you for dinner. If you’re next to a river, pretend to trip and fall, drop the food into the river and yell, “Aaack, the food fell into the river and it’s being taken away by the current!” If you’re next to a steep cliff, pretend to trip and fall, drop the food over the edge of the cliff, and yell, “Aaack, the food fell over the edge and I can’t get to it!” If you’re near a wild deadly animal, point at the beast, throw the food at it, and yell, “Aaack, (insert beast type here)! I threw our food at it. We should run away while it’s distracted.”

Then you and your friend should run back to your car. Make sure neither of you gets captured and eaten by the wild animal, or everything would’ve been in vain. When back in your car, begin the long drive home. By now, your friend will be hungry and tired and will tell you to stop somewhere for food, but tell your friend you’re craving pizza and will order one and have it delivered when the two of you get back.

If possible, try to get pulled over by the police for speeding.

When the two of you get back of your place, pretend to order a pizza without having to make an actual call, then tell your friend that the pizza place will deliver it in 30 minutes.

After 30 minutes have passed by and you friend asks, “Where’s the pizza?”, say it should be here any minute. After 45 minutes have passed and your friend asks, “Where’s the fucking pizza?”, pretend to look agitated and then pick up your phone and pretend to call the pizza place. While on the phone, nod your head a few times, say “It better get here soon” and then hang up. By the time one hour passes, your friend should be extremely hungry, tired and grumpy, so tell your friend that you’ll wait outside for the pizza delivery person. When you get outside, yell “Finally, it’s about time. I should get a free pizza for this.” Then open the door, look back like you’re talking to a delivery person and say, “The only tip I’m going to give you is to not take so damn long to deliver a pizza.” Then slam the door behind you.

Then grab a bag of Doritos Pizza Supreme, run towards your friend, and throw the bag at your friend’s face while yelling, “It’s not delivery. It’s Doritos. And your mom is a whore!”

If this doesn’t get your friend to punch you in the face, I don’t know what will.

Doritos Pizza Supreme Naked

The flavor of the Doritos Pizza Supreme is supposed to be complex like the 700-plus word instructions for a sociological Rube Goldberg machine that you just read. According to Frito-Lay, thanks to their “Flavor Plus” technology, we’re supposed to be able to taste every ingredient found on a supreme pizza, which usually includes, sausage, pepperoni, bell peppers, mushrooms, onions and olives.

While my taste buds had trouble picking out each component found on a supreme pizza, as a whole, the Doritos Pizza Supreme did taste like a supreme pizza and I enjoyed them. Although, I had my doubts because when I opened the bag it smelled like a Totino’s Pepperoni Party Pizza. Besides the flavor, everything else about these chips are typical of most Doritos: the crunch, the triangular shape of each chip and the cheesy powder that gets stuck to your fingers, like iron shavings on a magnet.

Currently, the Doritos Pizza Supreme is only available for a limited time, but I hope they’re successful enough that they become a permanent flavor, because I like them. I also hope Doritos continues to make more chips that taste like greasy fast food, because they seem to be adept at it. I don’t know how Frito-Lay’s “Flavor Plus” technology works, but I bet it’s as complex as trying to get a friend to punch you in the face, Rube Goldberg-style.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package – 240 calories, 120 calories from fat, 14 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 7 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 3 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 290 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A and 2% iron.)

Item: Doritos Pizza Supreme
Price: $1.09
Size: 1.75 ounces
Purchased at: Subway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: It tastes like a supreme pizza. Tasty. Getting a friend to punch you in the face Rube Goldberg-style. Crunchy. 7 grams of polyunsaturated fat. Leaves cheesy residue on fingers. Frito-Lay’s Flavor Plus technology. Getting to say, “It’s not delivery. It’s Doritos.”
Cons: Smells like Totino’s Pepperoni Party Pizza. Couldn’t pick out every single ingredient found on a supreme pizza. Contains MSG. Available for a limited time.

REVIEW: Cinnamon Burst Cheerios

/ / Reviews / 14 Comments

Cinnamon Burst Cheerios

I think I’m psychic.

I feel like the Miss Cleo of predicting new products because I envisioned in my sleep the new Cinnamon Burst Cheerios. Actually, to be honest, I foresaw a cinnamon-flavored Cheerios called Cinnamon Charged Cheerios, but I’m close enough. Even the greatest psychics can’t get every detail right.

I’m not exactly sure how it happened, but I think because I’ve been reviewing foods that I shouldn’t be eating for so long that, perhaps, my brain is now wired to accurately predict new products. If only Las Vegas, an offshore gambling website or an underground gambling operation in Chinatown had odds on which new Pop-Tarts flavors Kellogg’s will be released next, then I could profit from my ability. By the way, I predict the new flavors will be pomegranate, coffee or Neapolitan Ice Cream.

Or maybe I have The Force. Or maybe the folks at General Mills are scanning my brain at night for ideas via my WiFi wireless router and ripped the idea from the mind.

ARRRGH! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! TAKE MY IDEAS FOR FRUITY CHEX CEREAL, CHOCOLATE KIX, AND HUNGARIAN HAMBURGER HELPER, AND JUST LEAVE MY HEAD! BUT PLEASE LEAVE THE SEXY IMAGES OF HELEN MIRREN IN A MRS. CLAUS SUIT.

Speaking of icons that have been around since the mid-1940s and are covered in something red, the Cinnamon Burst Cheerios give me another option that keeps me from eating plain Cheerios to help me lower my cholesterol, which, by the way, has made my tongue weep every time I’ve eaten it.

Cinnamon Burst Cheerios Closeup

Cinnamon Burst Cheerios is flavored with real cinnamon that’s been baked into each piece of cereal. The cinnamon flavor is noticeable, but just like other flavored Cheerios it’s not sweet enough to have it mistaken for a cereal that’s meant for eight-year-olds who hold their spoon as though they’re gonna stab someone with it. So I don’t know whether I would call the amount it contains a “burst.”

On a scale of 1-10, with one being the cinnamon that falls from Isla Fisher’s red hair whenever she scratches her cute head and ten being the spoonful of cinnamon used to attempt spoonful of cinnamon challenges, the Cinnamon Burst Cheerios would be a four. If this cereal has a burst of cinnamon, then I wonder what the more cinnamon-y Cinnamon Toast Crunch has? An inundation of cinnamon? An overload of cinnamon? Double D’s of cinnamon?

When eaten sans milk, Cinnamon Burst Cheerios makes for a tasty, crunchy snack. When eaten avec milk, the cinnamon flavor holds up and it becomes a delicious part of a complete breakfast, an appetizing part of an I-don’t-really-give-a-shit lunch or a pathetic part of a depressing dinner alone. If you’re eating it as part of a sad dinner alone, you should know that some of the cinnamon ends up floating in the milk, so when you’re left with just the milk to slurp up…CINNAMON BONUS!

High five!

If you’re tired of regular Cheerios, Honey Nut Cheerios, MulitGrain Cheerios, Banana Nut Cheerios, Chocolate Cheerios, Berry Burst Cheerios, Frosted Cheerios, Apple Cinnamon Cheerios, Fruity Cheerios, and Yogurt Burst Cheerios, Cinnamon Burst Cheerios is a worthy replacement for any of them.

And, in the future, you’ll be able to add Peanut Butter Cheerios to the list.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 110 calories, 2 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 125 milligrams of sodium, 65 milligrams of potassium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 13 grams of other carbohydrates, 2 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Cinnamon Burst Cheerios
Price: $3.99 (on sale)
Size: 10 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Good, mild cinnamon flavor. Great with or without milk. Stays crunchy in milk for a good amount of time. My ability to predict new products. Worthy replacement for any other Cheerios flavor. CINNAMON BONUS! I learned a new French word.
Cons: Not sure if I would call the amount of cinnamon it has a burst. No gambling odds for new Pop-Tarts flavors. Would make for a pathetic part of a depressing dinner. Attempting spoonful of cinnamon challenges.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Crunchy Nut Cereal (Roasted Nut & Honey O’s and Golden Honey Nut Flakes)

/ / Reviews / 18 Comments

Kellogg's Crunchy Nut Cereal

I basically picked up the two new varieties of Kellogg’s Crunchy Nut cereal (Roasted Nut & Honey O’s and Golden Honey Nut Flakes) because the boxes just made Kellogg’s seem so desperate. I figured that, based on the rebate offer covering half the front of the Golden Honey Nut Flakes box and the large coupon plastered on the side of both varieties, these things had to be either the best kept secret in the whole flippin’ breakfast aisle or some sort of unmentionable abomination created by the CEO’s nephew. As usual, my curiosity outweighed my gnawing suspicions. I still have my qualms about Kellogg’s calling the peanut-bedazzled cereals “nutty” and not “legumey”, but I’m willing to let that rest. There are bigger fish to fry here. Honey-peanut-molasses fish.

I had heard next to nothing about these cereals until they practically jumped out at me from the shelves. Hell, the product website even failed to locate either variety within a thirty mile radius of my zip code for some odd reason. I have my theories on this simultaneous lack of marketing and desperate push for acceptance. Perhaps they’re a failed vehicle for some early-90’s kids TV show. I imagine them as rebranded Slappy the Squirrel cereals from a never realized Animaniacs spin-off concept, found in a repossessed storage locker somewhere, still sealed and intact thanks to scads of preservatives.

I think part of the problem is that both varieties taste so gimmicky-sweet, so inherently child-friendly. But where are the goofy characters — the tigers, toucans, and Quisps – with their insatiable draw and plush dolls for bar codes offer? Why isn’t there a maze on the back?

This isn’t your average adult cereal, either. There are no berries, no gourmet Georgia pecans, no multi-grain wholesomely fortified goji oat nuggets. Nowhere is heart health even mentioned. They don’t even tout the fact that the O’s are HFCS-free, though this is perhaps a ploy to keep us from noticing that the flakes conspicuously aren’t. In any case, real sugar, molasses, and honey take top billing. Aside from the vitamin additives, the ingredient list is fairly short and brimming with various states of run-of-the-mill ground corn (It’s okay to hate me for that one).

I expected to taste Corn Flakes and Cheerios, respectively, with peanuts stuck all over them. What I got was a Cracker Jack laden nostalgia trip back to lil’ lassie softball and family game nights past. Sadly, both cereals lacked a cheap prize to fight over and retrieve from mom’s hiding spot on top of the refrigerator in the middle of the night. On the bright side, I wasn’t picking little popcorn husks off my back teeth days later.

The O’s tasted both puffy and crispy, like coated rice cakes. They in no way actually resembled Cheerios. My brief disappointment gave way to delight when I introduced them to milk, however. The O’s stayed crunchy for a good while, unlike the flakes, which reached Soggyville far too soon.

I am easily distracted, especially in the mornings. I have a habit of pouring a bowl of cereal and then running off to put in forgotten contacts or hunt for sunglasses. I therefore require industrial levels of steadfast crunchiness. I’m always impressed when any cereal manages to hold up to my unreasonable standards. Eaten dry, the O’s taste a little bland, while the flakes become quite addictive, exactly like Cracker Jack.

At first, I wondered to myself why Cracker Jack doesn’t have a cereal line, and then, with horror, I thought maybe this was supposed to be that cereal line, once upon a time, possibly in the dot com era, back when anything was possible. If these cereals are, in fact, resurrected failures, they must’ve just been ignored by marketing people too entranced by their Tigers, because, beyond the identity crisis, both varieties are pretty gr-r-reat.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a one-way ticket to the mysterious Soggyville and the train is boarding.

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup – Golden Honey Nut Flakes – 120 calories, 10 calories from fat, 1 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium, 40 milligrams of potassium, 26 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals. Roasted Nut & Honey O’s – 100 calories, 10 calories from fat, 1 gram of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 125 milligrams of sodium, 25 milligrams of potassium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s Crunchy Nut Cereal (Roasted Nut & Honey O’s and Golden Honey Nut Flakes)
Price: $2.50 each (on sale)
Size: 10.8 ounces (Roasted Nut & Honey O’s)
Size: 14.1 ounces (Golden Honey Nut Flakes)
Purchased at: Albertson’s
Rating: 9 out of 10 (Roasted Nut & Honey O’s)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Golden Honey Nut Flakes)
Pros: Ever-crunchy rings. Slappy the Squirrel hawking cereal. Cracker Jack for breakfast. The early dot com era, when everything was possible. Very snack-worthy throughout the day. Fairly health-conscious choice for sweet cereal lovers. No popcorn husks.
Cons: No prize. Flakes seemed to have pre-booked their tickets to Soggyville. No mazes. Rings dependent on milk for maximum deliciousness. Rampant family game night cheating. No healthy nuggets. Decade-old Cracker Jacks for breakfast. No adorable mascot. Weird softball league groupings.

REVIEW: Lean Pockets Pretzel Bread Sandwiches Grilled Chicken Jalapeño Cheddar

/ / Reviews / 15 Comments

Lean Pockets Pretzel Bread Sandwiches Grilled Chicken Jalapeno Cheddar Box

I’ve always generally regarded Hot Pockets as the fast and easy food favored by stoners and people who pee into empty Mountain Dew bottles so they don’t have to leave their computer chair and risk missing part of their guild’s raid.

On the other hand, I’ve always regarded Lean Pockets as the fast and easy food favored by cubicle monkeys who don’t really care what they eat during their 30 minute lunch break but would like to at least pretend whatever bland food they cram down their maw is mildly healthy. Added bonus: no utensils required.

Lean Pockets has introduced several different products throughout the years in an attempt to keep your taste buds a little less bored as you sit in the break room trying to ignore the loud smacking sounds coming from the sweaty guy in accounting sitting across from you at the table. There’s Stuffed Quesadillas, Culinary Creations, Seasoned Crusts, and now Pretzel Bread Sandwiches.

From Lean Pockets’ website: “Why dip a soft pretzel when you can stuff it? Premium meats, veggies, and cheese wrapped in warm, soft pretzel bread. Hello, amazing!”

I can’t ever imagine calling any Lean Pockets product “amazing”, but hey. They seem pretty proud of themselves. I won’t burst their bubble until I’ve tried it. I find the stuffing over dipping a soft pretzel angle interesting. I imagine what they’re going for here is something along these lines: “Hey, you like Auntie Anne’s pretzels at the mall, right? Enjoy dipping them in those little cups of sauce? Well, you’re at work, and the mall is too far away, so you’re going to have to settle for this enjoy this amazing Pretzel Bread Sandwich!”

It’s a thin premise, but I’ll go with it. The Pretzel Bread Sandwiches currently come in two flavors: Grilled Chicken Jalapeño Cheddar and Roasted Turkey with Bacon and Reduced Fat Cheese. I went with the former because I’m a tool and I still think I can find a fast or frozen food that actually delivers on the Jalapeño heat. The latter seems kind of all over the place: turkey is always considered the healthy white meat, the cheese is reduced fat, and yet there’s bacon, generally considered delicious but nowhere near healthy. I prefer my lunches less…schizophrenic.

What the Lean Pockets website has to say about Grilled Chicken Jalapeño Cheddar: “You can’t have a soft pretzel without the spice of tangy Jalapeño cheddar. And why not add grilled white meat chicken while you’re at it? (Oh wait, we did all that.)”

Many people would probably disagree with the first sentence. There are lots of different dipping options for soft pretzels. Lucky for Lean Pockets, I agree with them on that point. “Why not” is a bit of a slippery slope…”Why not add the chewing gum I found on the bottom of my shoe last week? Why not add the nuts and bolts I found under the bread-baking machine?” Okay, I’m being a little outrageous. But that’s what makes slippery slopes fun!

Lean Pockets Pretzel Bread Sandwiches Grilled Chicken Jalapeno Cheddar Frozen

The Pretzel Bread Sandwiches come with the classic crisping sleeve. One sandwich takes 2 minutes and 15 seconds to cook in the microwave. The sandwich seemed a little small to make a full lunch. In frozen form, you can see the large crystals of salt on the sandwich, a staple of soft pretzels. After being cooked, the salt crystals melt into the crust. I was surprised to see that the crust was indeed golden brown. The smell was exactly like that of a soft pretzel you’d get at the mall or maybe a stadium. I was surprised at how fragrant and authentic it smelled.

Lean Pockets Pretzel Bread Sandwiches Grilled Chicken Jalapeno Cheddar Inside

I was disappointed when I cut the Lean Pocket open, however. It looked like a bunch of pale mush. I decided to butterfly one of the halves to really get a good look inside. There were some bits of red and green pepper, but it still didn’t look that encouraging.

I have to say, had these ingredients been inside a regular Lean Pocket pouch, my general review of the sandwich would have been “Hey, there’s actually some heat from the Jalapeños in here. The cheese is creamy. Otherwise, blandsville.” The chicken was completely flavorless and basically just acted like filler. The cheese was your typical Hot/Lean Pocket cheese, creamy but generally flavorless. What actually made these Lean Pockets stand out was the pretzel shell. It tasted just like a soft pretzel, salty and flavorful. I hate to agree with such a silly premise, but having a pretzel shell that really tasted like a pretzel made the cheese and the Jalapeños taste a lot like a pretzel dipped in Jalapeño cheddar sauce. The chicken could’ve just disappeared; even the texture of it was mushy enough to be barely noticeable.

I would have classified the Lean Pockets Pretzel Bread Sandwiches Grilled Chicken Jalapeño Cheddar as just another bland but acceptable lunch option, but the pretzel shell and the Jalapeños really saved the day. The peppers aren’t hot enough that you’d need a glass of milk, but they make themselves known with the perfect amount of heat. The texture of the cheese works with the pretzel, which makes its lack of flavor more forgivable. The sandwich was a bit small and chicken itself could disappear and I never would have noticed, but overall these Pretzel Bread Sandwiches are a step above the usual boring Lean Pockets fare. It’s a small step, but a step nonetheless.

On a side note, I happened to look at a Hot Pockets review I wrote a while back and found something interesting — Lean Pockets Pretzel Sandwiches Grilled Chicken Jalapeño Cheddar has more calories, fat, saturated fat, cholesterol (over 200% more) and sodium than the Hot Pocket SideShots, and both boxes are nine ounces. That doesn’t seem very lean to me.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – 280 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 890 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 13 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 15% calcium and 10% iron.)

Item: Lean Pockets Pretzel Bread Sandwiches Grilled Chicken Jalapeño Cheddar
Price: $1.99 (on sale; normally $2.50)
Size: 2 sandwiches
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Delicious, soft pretzel shell. Fun with slippery slopes. Perfect Jalapeño heat. The word “blandsville.” Fast and easy to make.
Cons: Mushy, flavorless chicken. Food-smacking co-workers. Bland cheese. Unhygienic computer gamers. Not exactly “lean” Pockets.

Scroll to Top