Month: June 2007

Budweiser Barbecue Sauce

Marvo 19 Comments

Oh, what I would give to have the Budweiser frogs in front of me right now. Not for nostalgia’s sake or a Super Bowl commercial, but because I want to know how good their legs would taste with the Budweiser Barbecue Sauce.

As we all know, Budweiser is the King of Beers…for people who end up getting arrested on the TV show Cops. So every time I used the Budweiser Barbecue Sauce, I put on my dirtiest wife beater, a trucker hat with a fake mullet sewn into it, and set my CD player to play the Inner Circle song “Bad Boys” with a press of a button. All of that done in preparation for cops to break down my door and chase me throughout my neighborhood with a blurry spot following me around on my face.

Unfortunately, I’ve gone through most of the bottle and the cops have yet to show up, which is good, because I have yet to get rid of some particular hydroponics growing in my closet.

The Budweiser Barbecue Sauce does actually contain Budweiser beer. As a matter of fact, it’s the second ingredient listed on the packaging, behind ketchup and in front of water. Now you’re probably wondering if the beer in the sauce can get you drunk or make Scary Spicy not so scary. I think the Listerine and NyQuil rules of alcohol come into play here, which is, if you don’t throw up first, drinking a gallon of it you will get fucked up.

Consuming the Budweiser Barbecue Sauce as a condiment on a burger I made did make my face feel warm, much like sucking on a bottle of Grey Goose vodka does. However, there weren’t the other usual side effects I get when consuming alcohol, like my face turning red, having to piss every ten minutes, my breathing constricted a little, and screaming Nelson Mandela should be let free…which he has been for almost two decades, but I’m too drunk to remember that.

I’m not too sure if the warm feeling I had on my face was from the beer in the sauce or because of the spiciness of the sauce from the crushed red peppers in it. The kick was definitely nice and as my friend who enjoys going on Southeastern Asian sex tours always likes to say, “Me likey, the spicy.”

The Budweiser Barbecue Sauce looks like ketchup, except with minced garlic floating in it. Along with the spicy kick there’s a slight sweetness and a hint of beer flavor to it. I also used the sauce as a marinade for some thinly-sliced meat and it came out pretty good.

It shouldn’t be surprising that the Budweiser Barbecue Sauce is good for cooking, after all Budweiser the beer is also good for cooking. Boiling hot dogs with a can of Bud is surprisingly good. Another thing these two products have in common is their ability to make me puke if I chug too much of either via a funnel.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Peachy for recommending the Budweiser Barbecue Sauce to review. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to try to smash the bottle on my forehead.)

Item: Budweiser Barbecue Sauce
Price: $3.00
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Tasty. Spicy. Slight sweetness. Garlic. Nelson Mandela is free.
Cons: If you don’t like spicy, it’s not for you. Scary Spice. Chugging too much Bud via a funnel. Not remembering Nelson Mandela is free. Not having the Budweiser frogs to try the sauce on. Diseases from Southeastern Asian sex tours.

PRIZE DRAWING: You Need Gum? I Got Gum!

Marvo 162 Comments

When a PR firm sent me the Wrigley’s 5 Gum to review, I found out how much gum was too much gum. Thirty packs of it is definitely more gum than I can handle.

If I had an oral fixation, halitosis or wanted to work on my gum sculpting skillz, the three boxes of gum they sent me would’ve lasted me about three weeks. Sure, I could pass the gum to the homeless panhandlers that hangout at the 7-Eleven down the street, but that gum won’t help them buy booze.

Instead, I offer it to you TIB readers via a prize drawing. I’ve got 18 packs of gum left, six in each of the Wrigley’s 5 flavors: Rain (spearmint), Cobalt (peppermint), and Flare (cinnamon). So 18 lucky random readers will each receive a pack of Wrigley’s 5 Gum.

To enter the Wrigley’s 5 Gum prize drawing, just leave a comment for THIS post with the Wrigley’s 5 flavor you want and whatever else you would like to say.

Please fill out the email field, because I’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing addresses. Don’t worry about the shipping, it will be taken care of.

The Impulsive Buy will start accepting entries for the drawing on Tuesday, June 26, 2007 and stop accepting entries on Wednesday, July 4, 2007 (11:59 p.m. Hawaii Standard Time). Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is open to ALL Impulsive Buy readers.

Sometime after July 4th I’ll randomly select the 18 winners.

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to sign up for gay porn. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you information about speed dating events in your area. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, damaged mail, or you joining Scientology.

REVIEW: Froot Loops Cereal Straws

Ace 52 Comments

Froot Loops Cereal Straws

I must start by saying that I’ve never really liked Froot Loops. I was always more of a Trix guy growing up. I can’t say why, exactly. Maybe it was my sympathy for the Trix rabbit, or maybe it was because I never really understood the appeal of Toucan Sam. He was boring and dull, nothing like my buddy “Two-Can Sam” who earned his nickname through his method of drinking which led to alcohol poisoning. Perhaps I never really dug Froot Loops because my elementary school would feed me stale ones every morning.

It also could’ve even been the fact that my school district switched from milk cartons to milk bags in the mid nineties, forcing us to puncture the bags like savages. The milk went everywhere but in the bowl, causing me to dress the cereal with tears when the milk from the bag ran out. So maybe it was the horrible traumatization, but I can’t be sure. What I am sure of is that I no longer have to relive those memories, as Froot Loops now come in straw form.

“Straws…made of cereal? This is fucking AWESOME!”

What do you mean? That wasn’t what you were thinking? Okay, you’re probably right. On the list of “things nobody asked for, but we’re going to give you anyways,” cereal straws has to rank in the top five. On that basis alone, it was worthy of an impulsive buy. I need to drink more milk, anyways. I haven’t grown in years and the commercials say it helps prevent osteoporosis in women. I’m not sure if I need that second part, but you can never be too sure.

Upon perforating one of the two packages, the perfume of fake fruit and powdered milk permeated the air and tempted the taste buds (try to say that without sounding like Daffy Duck, I dare you). There’s something about unabashedly artificial flavoring that’s both charming and nostalgic…sexual, even. Alright, maybe not sexual, but something pleasant nonetheless. The straws were thinner than what the box indicated, looking more like real straws than giant-sized novelty pens. They are lined in the middle with that sickly sweet powdered milk that seems to be popping up in granola and cereal bars everywhere. Someone needs to tell these guys that it does NOT replace milk and that we can all tell it’s just sweetened coffee creamer. Fortunately, the flavor of that is masked by the Froot Loop shell.

The straws themselves are rather sturdy and hold up well to milk. They last a long time without getting soggy and do actually work as straws. They basically taste like Froot Loops, which is all you could realistically hope for. Sadly, the cereal straws live in a paradoxical existence; humans cannot eat and drink at the same time. Well…I guess soup makes us do that, but let’s ignore that for a second.

Once you take a single bite of the cereal straw, it becomes too short for drinking and the fun immediately dissipates. If you just sit there and drink the milk, you’ll just be wasting the straw as it imparts no flavor and is generally useless. Once you get to the bottom, you realize you have a half-soggy cereal straw with no milk to wash it down with.

God damn, it’s like a snake eating its own tail!

Alas, cereal straws are apparently too cool for the laws of this universe and exist only as fun, yet impractical novelties.

Item: Froot Loops Cereal Straws
Price: $2.00
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Froot Loops flavor and fragrance. Snackable without milk. Actually works as a straw. My buddy “Two-Can Sam.”
Cons: Ridiculously pointless. Extremely artificial taste. Alcohol poisoning. Daffy Duck’s speech impediment. Can’t drink and eat at same time.

Del Monte Bloom Energy Drink

Marvo 12 Comments

The new Del Monte Bloom Energy Drink maybe formulated for women, but that won’t stop me from drinking it because I’m not afraid to use women’s products. To be honest, I’ve used a number of them over the years. For example, tampons are great for small spills when a paper towel is way more than you need, douche bags make cheap water guns, and issues of Playgirl Magazine make awesome cockroach killers.

Sure, by drinking Bloom Energy I risk the chance of having the side effects I occasionally have when using women’s products, like the time when I tried to see if Secret deodorant really was strong enough for a man, which it was, and while I had it on, I broke out into my own Vagina Monologue and talked about my vagina and how it empowers me for about thirty minutes.

Other side effects I’ve had included, wanting to be in the audience for a taping of Oprah, watching Brad Pitt in Fight Club over and over again, and dry mouth, which now that I think about it, wasn’t really a side effect, but instead a 50-cent dare in college to suck on a tampon for one minute.

Bloom Energy comes in three flavors: Wild Berry, Cran Raspberry and Mango Passionfruit. Each flavor was very good, which was probably due to the fact that each was made from 50% juice. The Wild Berry was slightly tart, but sweet; the Cran Raspberry tasted like fizzy cranberry juice; and the Mango Passionfruit was more passionfruit than mango. I also had some of my female co-workers try Bloom Energy and they all said that each flavor would go well with alcohol.

They apparently are all lushes.

Not only does Bloom Energy taste good, it’s also kind of good for you. Each can has 100 calories (which most servings of energy drinks have), a full serving of fruit, 100% daily value of Vitamin C and five B vitamins, calcium and Vitamin D to support bone strength, other essential vitamins and nutrients, and antioxidants.

The only thing I don’t like too much about Bloom Energy is its caffeine content, which comes from white tea extract and guarana. The 74 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine in each can maybe enough for the instant coffee crowd, but it’s definitely not sufficient for hardcore caffeine junkies who like an energy drink that puts the “rage” in beverage.

So did drinking Bloom Energy cause any side effects for me? Fortunately, while drinking each flavor, I didn’t have any — unless you count me painting my toenails in the shade Deep Passion Red as a side effect.

The Del Monte Bloom Energy Drink maybe not be made for a guy like me, but I like it a lot. So I’m hoping that me being called a “pussy” often might not make it seems so strange to have one in my hand.

(Editor’s Note: Tanya at Iateapie.net also reviewed the Bloom Energy Drink. She liked the taste and the nutritional value of it, but didn’t like the price. Also, thanks for the folks at Colburn for sending me some samples to review.)

Item: Del Monte Bloom Energy Drink
Price: FREE (MSRP $1.99 – 10.5 ounces)
Purchased at: Received from nice people at Coburn
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Very tasty. 50 percent juice. Easy to drink. No HFCS. No artificial colors or flavors. Provides one serving of fruit. Vitamins and minerals. Antioxidants. Fat free. May go well with alcohol. Energy drinks that put the “rage” in beverage. Playgirl Magazine makes a great cockroach killer.
Cons: Not enough caffeine for hardcore caffeine junkies. The occasional side effects I have from using women’s products. Sticking a tampon in your mouth. I am a pussy.

NEWS: Old School Cereals Get Pimped! Aww Yeah, Boyee!

Marvo 10 Comments

Pops (or Corn Pops for you purists) is one of the sagging elder statesmen in the world of breakfast cereals, along with other old farts like grumpy Apple Jacks and senile Frosted Flakes. Throughout its 50-plus year history, the only thing that has been modified about Pops is its name, which has changed more times than Lew Alcindor, but significantly less times than Prince.

Until now, there has never been a cereal spin-off of Pops, unlike Frosted Flakes, which has spread itself so thin that it has spawned way too many bastard cereals that get discontinued. Perhaps with the introduction of the new Kellogg’s Pops Chocolate Peanut Butter, it will finally make me say, “Oooh, I gotta have my Pops,” except without sarcasm, like I usually do when they have to eat those plain yellow balls.

Another cereal recently brought out by Kellogg’s is the new Froot Loops Smoothie, which includes yogurt-covered pieces of Froot Loops mixed with the usual multi-colored fruity rings of sugary goodness, which I recently found out don’t count towards the 3-5 servings of fruit and vegetables I should eat each day.

I’m actually looking forward to Froot Loops Smoothie because it will expand my choices of fruity cereals to eat for breakfast and to use for my cereal necklace making business.